24th March 2011

Everything seemed to be moving so very fast. I was told it looked like I would need an urgent delivery and that either way, baby was being born today. The consultant told me I needed to go for an urgent doppler scan to see what was happening to the blood flow, however at that point another consultant took over and did not see the need for that...mistake number 1!

I was transfered to the delivery ward, a lovely midwife greated me which was just as well as I was about to collapse in tears through fear, fear of what was happening to my baby and fear of what I was about to go through. I was not mentally prepared to be having Jules that day. I was put into a gown, I was swabbed for MRSA and the like, there was this big sense of urgency. I remember thinking there was no way that Roger would make it in time. I was put back onto the CTG, I remember being a bit shocked no one tried to make me change position as in previous labours when the heartbeat got a bit slow etc. Eventually Roger came through the door, suitcases and good camera in tow with tales of his car loving 130mph on the A3.

I then had my waters broken to see if we could start labour off and it was like there was suddenly no sense of urgency. The consultant was very laid back and did not seem to think there was any urgency and was convinced that I would go straight into labour as I was already 2cm dialated and with it being baby number 5, even though I explained and it was written in my notes I laboured very slow then the last bit went very very quickly....all he seemed to heard was the quickly bit and told me it would be quick. The midwife told Roger we were in for a long time so to go and get something to eat. I had already started on the gas and air, more so to deal with the stress rather than the pain relief...for those who have never had the joys of gas and air it gives you that lovely drunk whoozy feeling.

The machine monitoring contractions and heartbeat kept getting turned away from me but I wanted to watch it, wanted to see the contractions gathering in pressure strength. I also wanted to keep a very close eye on the baby as I could see his heartbeat was struggling at times. This carried on for another hour or so, I was examined again and found to be 3cm but the heatbeat was getting worse. I remember the fear watching it go down, it stuck at around 55bpm for a while, then gained a bit then got worse again. It was decided I would eventually need a Caesarian section...by this time it was about 14.30. The were flaffing around putting in new canulas in me, telling me theatre was being prepared...sorting a sliding scale out for glocouse and insulin, before long it was about 14.50 and his heartbeat suddenly was plummeting. They had not been able to pick it up very well on the electrode attached to his head (quite possible because the consultant had been trying to put it on one of the two loops of cord prolapse maybe), they were trying to pick it up and couldn't find it...at 15.00 the decision of theatre was finally made, just prior to this Roger had been sent to gown up and prepare, the babies heart beat going to zero had happened whilst he was out of the room doing this, this was also the moment that I thought Jules was suddenly ok, as he massively started kicking out very frantically, the reality was it was his last attempt to live...I have since read similar from women who lost their baby inside and many report of a sudden burst of movement after quietness before stillness, suddenly I was on the move, one midwife pulling one apparently pushing although I couldn't see her and it looked to me like the midwife pulling was doing all the work. I remember zooming past Roger as he came out of the changing room looking like an extra from ER, he gave me this inanae grin not realising what was happening.

In theate I was laid flat, attempts by 2 people to find his heartbeat failed, I was dragged across the bed onto the operating table and Roger was told he would have to leave. Having never had an GA I was convinced it would kill me giving my size, there was a quite and very frantic emotional exchange of I love you's, I told him he had changed my life and made him promise to tell the kids how much I loved them and to never let them forget me. Suddenly a mask was put on my face and I was told to beath deeply, I was in pain and so very scaed that nothing was happening, he said to me are you asleep yet and I opened my eyes and said no, he said oops, turned something on and said you will be in a minute....