Everything seemed to be moving so very fast. I was told it looked like I would need an urgent delivery and that either way, baby was being born today. The consultant told me I needed to go for an urgent doppler scan to see what was happening to the blood flow, however at that point another consultant took over and did not see the need for that...mistake number 1!
I was transfered to the delivery ward, a lovely midwife greated me which was just as well as I was about to collapse in tears through fear, fear of what was happening to my baby and fear of what I was about to go through. I was not mentally prepared to be having Jules that day. I was put into a gown, I was swabbed for MRSA and the like, there was this big sense of urgency. I remember thinking there was no way that Roger would make it in time. I was put back onto the CTG, I remember being a bit shocked no one tried to make me change position as in previous labours when the heartbeat got a bit slow etc. Eventually Roger came through the door, suitcases and good camera in tow with tales of his car loving 130mph on the A3.
I then had my waters broken to see if we could start labour off and it was like there was suddenly no sense of urgency. The consultant was very laid back and did not seem to think there was any urgency and was convinced that I would go straight into labour as I was already 2cm dialated and with it being baby number 5, even though I explained and it was written in my notes I laboured very slow then the last bit went very very quickly....all he seemed to heard was the quickly bit and told me it would be quick. The midwife told Roger we were in for a long time so to go and get something to eat. I had already started on the gas and air, more so to deal with the stress rather than the pain relief...for those who have never had the joys of gas and air it gives you that lovely drunk whoozy feeling.
The machine monitoring contractions and heartbeat kept getting turned away from me but I wanted to watch it, wanted to see the contractions gathering in pressure strength. I also wanted to keep a very close eye on the baby as I could see his heartbeat was struggling at times. This carried on for another hour or so, I was examined again and found to be 3cm but the heatbeat was getting worse. I remember the fear watching it go down, it stuck at around 55bpm for a while, then gained a bit then got worse again. It was decided I would eventually need a Caesarian section...by this time it was about 14.30. The were flaffing around putting in new canulas in me, telling me theatre was being prepared...sorting a sliding scale out for glocouse and insulin, before long it was about 14.50 and his heartbeat suddenly was plummeting. They had not been able to pick it up very well on the electrode attached to his head (quite possible because the consultant had been trying to put it on one of the two loops of cord prolapse maybe), they were trying to pick it up and couldn't find it...at 15.00 the decision of theatre was finally made, just prior to this Roger had been sent to gown up and prepare, the babies heart beat going to zero had happened whilst he was out of the room doing this, this was also the moment that I thought Jules was suddenly ok, as he massively started kicking out very frantically, the reality was it was his last attempt to live...I have since read similar from women who lost their baby inside and many report of a sudden burst of movement after quietness before stillness, suddenly I was on the move, one midwife pulling one apparently pushing although I couldn't see her and it looked to me like the midwife pulling was doing all the work. I remember zooming past Roger as he came out of the changing room looking like an extra from ER, he gave me this inanae grin not realising what was happening.
In theate I was laid flat, attempts by 2 people to find his heartbeat failed, I was dragged across the bed onto the operating table and Roger was told he would have to leave. Having never had an GA I was convinced it would kill me giving my size, there was a quite and very frantic emotional exchange of I love you's, I told him he had changed my life and made him promise to tell the kids how much I loved them and to never let them forget me. Suddenly a mask was put on my face and I was told to beath deeply, I was in pain and so very scaed that nothing was happening, he said to me are you asleep yet and I opened my eyes and said no, he said oops, turned something on and said you will be in a minute....
Monday 28 November 2011
Friday 25 November 2011
23rd/24th March 2010...
Well 23rd March....I noticed that Jules had gone a little quiet. By that evening I had been having semi regular contractions about every 3 minutes although not very strong. I was not sure if I was in labour but bearing in mind I have been told a few weeks before he was already 9lbs and feeling like I could burst I thought that it was most definately an option. I know people may think 'hang on a minute, Jules was her 5th baby she should know labour by now' but the reality was, my pregnancy with Natalie ended sharply at 3am one morning with a big pain, I instantly knew it was labour and sure as sure 10 minutes later another pain and it went on like that getting stronger and more frequent. Babies 2 and 3, Taylor and Jordan were both inductions. Baby 4, Jennifer I had 2 weeks or so of this latent stage of early labour to the point that when I was actually in labour I really was not sure at all, hence why I wasn't sure with Jules.
I struggled to get comfy, constant back ache made me think it was early labour. I poked and jiggled him a bit inside me but alas he did not kick back but I did feel him move, more so a shifting sensation. He was quiet most of the night to the point that I was now starting to get worried. When Roger woke up at 5.30 for work I was in tears thinking we had lost him. We cracked open the doppler and luckily found a regular heartbeat. I was happy Jules was alive at least and sent Roger to work. He had begged as it was to get the next day off when I had a regular appointment (and we would be discussing inductions) so that he could come with me and to be honest I really rather thought it would be like it was when I had my other babies and they would slow down and go quiet and I would go to the hospital, be monitored and the minute I sat down they would party on making me look like a first class muppet.
I was so very tired, very scared still and despite having gestational diabetes I had some sweet things as that can help to jig baby about....nothing worked. I got showered and dressed and took my little girl to school, all the while having these regular 3 minute contractions. I recall have a chat with a mum and thinking come on I need to get to the hospital and gritting my teeth to hide the contractions as I did not wish to admit to anyone what was happening. I came home and rung the hospital at 9am but was told not to come in till 10am as they were busy. I washed my hair in case I was kept in...stupid things I know...but it was more to waste time.
I suffer sometimes from OCD and things have to be in 'place' and as I left the bedroom something caught my eye and I recall thinking if that isn't straight this will all go wrong but as I had been trying so hard to rid myself of these feelings I shook my head at my stupidness and carried on, I can not tell you how many times that has played on my mind and in some aspects made my OCD worse.
I picked up my camera, as I thought well if this all does go wonky I want pictures, with hindsight I should have packed everything for labour. I drove down the A3 feeling so utterly sleepy and tired, in fact I think I may have nodded at one point as the car swerved a bit and I had a jump, thank god it was quiet. I parked up the car and walked into the hospital enjoying the lovely spring air. I remember seeing a man load up the car with new baby balloons and flowers for his wife and thinking that will be us in a few weeks. To be honest I was not entirely sure where to go so ended having a little extra walk. I finally found it, I was due to have the tour the following week.
The midwife seemed a bit unimpressed she had to monitor me and I waited nearly an hour to finally get put on a monitor. I sat there listening to my baby a dull thud thud thud of his even heartbeat. I had been giving a button to press if he moved but I didn't press it once in the whole 20/30 minutes I was being monitored but I could hear the woman opposite being monitored and hear her baby jumping about. I started to have a really bad worring feeling. The midwifes face when she looked at the trace said it all, she simply said the baby is not very happy I need to get the doctor but we are looking at possibly delivery very soon.
I instantly picked up my phone and called Roger, it rang and rang and rang, he had gone into a meeting and left the phone on his desk. Eventually a collegue picked it up and said he was in a meeting, I said where, he said here in the building, I said just go now and get him it's an emergency. My voice was cracking as I was telling him and the doctor came in at the same time looked at the trace and was saying to the midwife urgent delivery etc. Roger got to me in record time, they had said I had a little while so I begged him to go get my bags and the good camera and the baby bag.....
I struggled to get comfy, constant back ache made me think it was early labour. I poked and jiggled him a bit inside me but alas he did not kick back but I did feel him move, more so a shifting sensation. He was quiet most of the night to the point that I was now starting to get worried. When Roger woke up at 5.30 for work I was in tears thinking we had lost him. We cracked open the doppler and luckily found a regular heartbeat. I was happy Jules was alive at least and sent Roger to work. He had begged as it was to get the next day off when I had a regular appointment (and we would be discussing inductions) so that he could come with me and to be honest I really rather thought it would be like it was when I had my other babies and they would slow down and go quiet and I would go to the hospital, be monitored and the minute I sat down they would party on making me look like a first class muppet.
I was so very tired, very scared still and despite having gestational diabetes I had some sweet things as that can help to jig baby about....nothing worked. I got showered and dressed and took my little girl to school, all the while having these regular 3 minute contractions. I recall have a chat with a mum and thinking come on I need to get to the hospital and gritting my teeth to hide the contractions as I did not wish to admit to anyone what was happening. I came home and rung the hospital at 9am but was told not to come in till 10am as they were busy. I washed my hair in case I was kept in...stupid things I know...but it was more to waste time.
I suffer sometimes from OCD and things have to be in 'place' and as I left the bedroom something caught my eye and I recall thinking if that isn't straight this will all go wrong but as I had been trying so hard to rid myself of these feelings I shook my head at my stupidness and carried on, I can not tell you how many times that has played on my mind and in some aspects made my OCD worse.
I picked up my camera, as I thought well if this all does go wonky I want pictures, with hindsight I should have packed everything for labour. I drove down the A3 feeling so utterly sleepy and tired, in fact I think I may have nodded at one point as the car swerved a bit and I had a jump, thank god it was quiet. I parked up the car and walked into the hospital enjoying the lovely spring air. I remember seeing a man load up the car with new baby balloons and flowers for his wife and thinking that will be us in a few weeks. To be honest I was not entirely sure where to go so ended having a little extra walk. I finally found it, I was due to have the tour the following week.
The midwife seemed a bit unimpressed she had to monitor me and I waited nearly an hour to finally get put on a monitor. I sat there listening to my baby a dull thud thud thud of his even heartbeat. I had been giving a button to press if he moved but I didn't press it once in the whole 20/30 minutes I was being monitored but I could hear the woman opposite being monitored and hear her baby jumping about. I started to have a really bad worring feeling. The midwifes face when she looked at the trace said it all, she simply said the baby is not very happy I need to get the doctor but we are looking at possibly delivery very soon.
I instantly picked up my phone and called Roger, it rang and rang and rang, he had gone into a meeting and left the phone on his desk. Eventually a collegue picked it up and said he was in a meeting, I said where, he said here in the building, I said just go now and get him it's an emergency. My voice was cracking as I was telling him and the doctor came in at the same time looked at the trace and was saying to the midwife urgent delivery etc. Roger got to me in record time, they had said I had a little while so I begged him to go get my bags and the good camera and the baby bag.....
Monday 3 October 2011
A brief introduction......
I have meant to get this all down for a long time. Time has however moved on but the feelings remain. I need to put this out there, to attempt to rid myself of the feelings I have and hold of that fateful day and what remains from it. Both myself and Roger are struggling and still suffering, maybe this will help others to understand what we feel, maybe someone else will read this and realise it is normal (is it?). Jules our sweet boy of course is still struggling but on a physical level and this is partly to chart that too.
Julian Oliver Orlan Leyster is my fifth baby, Roger's second...and our one and only.
At the time of writing, we have been together three wonderful years. We knew each other twenty years before we got together after we 'met' once again on Facebook and fell madly and deeply in love. We instantly changed our lives to be together and we both had our longed for fairy tale romance.
We instantly knew we wanted to have a baby together and tried for nine months for our little fella and just as we felt we should give up and it was not meant to be....along he came.
In many ways the pregnancy was my easiest, having previously suffered in others with hyperemisis gravidarum needing hospital treatment and also severe Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) needing crutches and medical attention. The mere fact that we managed a holiday to Las Vegas when I was twelve weeks pregnant was something of a minor miracle for me as previous pregnancies at that point in time I was unable to move from bed, had my head constantly in a bucket or was in hospital on a drip to rehydrate me.
Just before we went I had my 12 week scan which included the Nuchal scan and along with that the blood tests that check for downs syndrome. I knew I had a higher than average reading of the space at the back of the neck compared with my last two pregnancies where I had this done. I googled when I got home and realised that indeed his measurement was the higher end of normal.
We went off to Las Vegas and the next day got the call that we had screened positive for a high down sydrome risk. The risk was 1 in 60 compared with 1 in 110 for my age. We both curled up and cried and did a lot of talking. We had already booked a peek a boo scan for later on in the week to see if we could find out the sex of the baby (yes in america they look very early for you) so after talking to the lady at the hospital in the UK and realising we were too late for a repeat nuchal, we had to decide if to have more invasive tests when we got home.
We went for the scan and how amazing it was. We had a 3d and 4d scan along with a normal 2d one. I was by then 13 weeks pregnant and found out that we were having a little boy, it was very clear. The lady there said she had discovered babies with down syndrome in the past and looking she could not see any pointers that would lead her to believe he had it. I think this somewhat put our minds in a more positive frame and to be honest after seeing him in so much detail I was hopelessly in love with our little man and by then it did not matter to me if he did have down syndrome. When we got home we had an urgent meeting with the consultant, he agreed with our decision about avoiding invasive tests if possible and agreed to send us to St George's fetal medicine centre as we needed to go anyway to check to see if our baby had the same heart defects Roger's other son had. We went there and were told we had a perfectly healthy baby and a fantastic spread legged view of our boy confirmed he was a very very proud boy.
I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 11weeks and that all ticked along more or less ok and under control. I actually quite enjoyed this pregnancy without suffering quite so much pelvic pain. I was huge due to some polyhydramnios but at the last scan before Jules came along it was under control and at normal levels.....everything was ticking along nicely until 23rd March 2010 (36 weeks pg).
Julian Oliver Orlan Leyster is my fifth baby, Roger's second...and our one and only.
At the time of writing, we have been together three wonderful years. We knew each other twenty years before we got together after we 'met' once again on Facebook and fell madly and deeply in love. We instantly changed our lives to be together and we both had our longed for fairy tale romance.
We instantly knew we wanted to have a baby together and tried for nine months for our little fella and just as we felt we should give up and it was not meant to be....along he came.
In many ways the pregnancy was my easiest, having previously suffered in others with hyperemisis gravidarum needing hospital treatment and also severe Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) needing crutches and medical attention. The mere fact that we managed a holiday to Las Vegas when I was twelve weeks pregnant was something of a minor miracle for me as previous pregnancies at that point in time I was unable to move from bed, had my head constantly in a bucket or was in hospital on a drip to rehydrate me.
Just before we went I had my 12 week scan which included the Nuchal scan and along with that the blood tests that check for downs syndrome. I knew I had a higher than average reading of the space at the back of the neck compared with my last two pregnancies where I had this done. I googled when I got home and realised that indeed his measurement was the higher end of normal.
We went off to Las Vegas and the next day got the call that we had screened positive for a high down sydrome risk. The risk was 1 in 60 compared with 1 in 110 for my age. We both curled up and cried and did a lot of talking. We had already booked a peek a boo scan for later on in the week to see if we could find out the sex of the baby (yes in america they look very early for you) so after talking to the lady at the hospital in the UK and realising we were too late for a repeat nuchal, we had to decide if to have more invasive tests when we got home.
I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 11weeks and that all ticked along more or less ok and under control. I actually quite enjoyed this pregnancy without suffering quite so much pelvic pain. I was huge due to some polyhydramnios but at the last scan before Jules came along it was under control and at normal levels.....everything was ticking along nicely until 23rd March 2010 (36 weeks pg).
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